Carmel
by 3rd.Apple
Summary: What happens when you mix a grumpy Jack, Ba'al, and a new, mouthy archaeologist? Pandemonium ensues...
1. Carmel

**A/N:** _So I was totally planning on taking an indefinite hiatus from writing fanfic, especially since I've recently moved and started a new job. Not to mention I'm finally almost done with my book…but then this little plot bunny took hold and I couldn't shake it loose, so here it is. It's not my typical style of writing, but I hope it tickles your funny bone none the less._

**A/N2:** _ Oh and before I forget, this story takes place sometime in early season 7 because a) Ba'al's in it; b) Daniel is in it; c) Jack is still the CO of SG1; and d) Janet is still alive. Add it all up and you get S7. Also, no real spoilers, but I do refer back to something Jack says and something Ba'al says in "Abyss"- as well as a couple things from season 9…you'll know them when you see them…and now, on with the show!_

**Pairing:** _Jack/Other friendship_

**Carmel**

Jack felt like growling. This day had gone from bad to worse starting with the stray dog howling at the moon in his front yard at 0230. Arriving at the SGC just before 0400, he immediately headed to the infirmary to check on Daniel after a quick stop at the commissary for coffee.

Entering the infirmary, Jack stealthily made his way to Daniel's bedside without alerting the night nurse to his presence. He quietly took a seat next to the still sleeping archaeologist and sipped his coffee while watching over his friend and teammate.

"Jack, how many times do I have to tell you that sneaking in here is pointless when you bring coffee?" Daniel croaked, his eyes still shut. "What time is it?"

"0410." Jack grumbled.

Daniel opened one eye and looked at Jack. "What the hell are you doing here so early?"

"Damn stray decided my yard was the perfect place for howling at the moon." Jack growled. "Has the Doc made her decision yet?"

"Yeah."

And that was the second thing to go wrong. As if it wasn't bad enough that Daniel had a bad allergic reaction on their last mission, Janet decided he needed another couple days to recuperate and Hammond wouldn't postpone SG1's next mission.

Which led to the third problem of the day: Daniel's replacement. Although Dr. Emma Higgins had worked at the SGC for nearly three years, she had only applied for field work six weeks prior – and this mission with SG1 would only be her third.

Jack had glanced over her personnel file quickly before the briefing. She had nearly as many languages to her credit as Daniel, but her emphasis was on religion and it's affects on societies. Jack couldn't help but role his eyes when he read that. _Leave it to a woman…_

He _**had**_ noticed, however, that Dr. Higgins had made sure to get weapons and combat training before applying for an offworld team, which impressed him a little, but not enough to want her as a replacement for Daniel.

Unfortunately, Jack didn't have a choice – Hammond had made sure he understood that Dr. Higgins temporary assignment to SG1 was non-negotiable. _Well,_ he thought, _she can't be any worse than Daniel was when he first started – at least she has some training. Besides, it's just a routine mission._

And _THAT_ was the fourth thing to go wrong.

_Routine mission my ass._ Jack grumbled to himself. _There's no such thing as a routine mission!_

SG1 had arrived on the planet with no fanfare. The gate was unguarded and there was no evidence that anyone had used it in quite some time. They arrived at the ruins an hour later and immediately got to work – Carter to collecting samples and checking for any readings that might mean technology; Jack to setting a perimeter; Dr. Higgins to translating; and Teal'c had been recruited to video tape the ruins, something he was not too happy about.

Suddenly, a bright light engulfed them and when they woke up, not only did their heads hurt, but from what they could make out through their blurred vision, they were on a Goa'uld ship.

"Of for cryin' out loud!" Jack exclaimed. "You'd think they'd be sick of capturing us by now." Suddenly he whirled around to shoot a glare at Dr. Higgins. "What the hell did you touch?"

One thing Jack had not yet learned about Emma Higgins was that she wasn't your typical geek. She'd grown up the middle child out of five with only brothers to keep her company. This had fed her independence and fiery stubborn streak, so she did not take kindly to being yelled at, even if the one doing the yelling was the leader of the infamous SG1 and 2IC of the SGC.

"Of course, blame it on the geek…after all, she's new and a girl to boot so it must be her fault. Never mind that more objects are broken or accidentally set off by military men who have idle hands and no idea what the hell the damn things do!" Emma exclaimed.

Silence filled the cell as everyone, including Teal'c, stared at Emma in shock. No one had ever taken Jack on like that, not even Daniel. Now, not only was SG1 locked in a cell by an unknown Goa'uld, but the resident archaeologist had just told Jack off and wasn't backing down.

Under normal circumstances Jack might have been mildly impressed – but now it just pissed him off more and became #5 on his list of things to go wrong…followed quickly by #6…

"How nice of you to…what is it you humans say? Oh, yes…drop in."

Jack whirled around at the familiar voice, his annoyance clear in the set of his jaw.

"Hey Bocce, long time no see!"

"Bocce?" Emma asked Sam under her breath.

"Ba'al." Sam clarified. "As in bocce ball."

Emma nodded as she wracked her brain for any and all historic and mythological references to Ba'al. Suddenly a wicked smirk graced her features.

"Your impudence shall be your undoing O'Neill." Ba'al roared.

"Seems like we've been down this road before." O'Neill taunted. "What do you say we skip the rerun and jump ahead to the part where we escape?"

Ba'al sent off a blast from his hand device that sent all of SG1 flying against the back wall. He took a moment to glance over the other members of the team. Noticing Emma for the first time, he pointed at her.

"Where is Dr. Jackson and who are you?" Ba'al demanded.

Jack's eyes moved swiftly toward Emma, knowing that Ba'al would see her as their weak link. But what he saw surprised him – her face showed signs of fear, but her lips were tightened in determination and her eyes sparkled with mischief.

Ba'al's eyes glowed, having seen her fear and wanting to prey on it. "We'll start with you."

Jack had no idea what was going through Emma's mind, but he'd be damned if he was going to allow Ba'al to torture her. Momentarily forgetting his bad day, Jack's honor took over.

"It's me you want, Ba'al, leave Dr. Higgins out of this."

Emma threw a dirty look at Jack, warning him against playing the martyr, but Jack ignored her. For better or worse this was his team and he would protect them…even her. However, Ba'al caught the look and, misinterpreting it, ordered that both be brought.

_Could this day get any worse?_ Jack mentally grumbled as he and Emma were led out of the cell. He quickly threw a look over his shoulder at Sam and Teal'c, silently ordering them to find a way out.

"Do you always have to play the hero?" Emma hissed as they were led down the corridor. "I'm not some damn damsel in distress that has to be rescued!"

"What the hell is your problem?!" Jack hissed back. "This is not some game or competition…your life could be on the line."

"And now _**both**_ our lives are!"

Upon entering a rather large room, Jack and Emma were chained to a wall – placed about 20 feet apart. Across the rectangular room, Ba'al sat in an ornate throne, surrounded by instruments of torture.

"So…" Ba'al began, "…who should we begin with?" He picked up a pain stick and moved across the room to stand before Jack. "Perhaps Colonel O'Neill. Or should we start with the woman?" Ba'al continued as he moved toward Emma.

Jack pulled against his restraints in protest. "Leave her out of this Ba'al…your beef is with me."

Once again Emma threw an irritated look at Jack, this one missed by both men.

"And that, O'Neill is exactly why I chose her." Ba'al said as he touched the pain stick to Emma's stomach.

Emma's screams filled the room and echoed down the hall.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Colonel…" Emma croaked as she hung limply from the chains holding her arms to the wall above her. Jack looked up in surprise – he hadn't thought she would come around so quickly.

"Yeah Doc."

"Next time…" Emma coughed. "Spare me the hero bit…" Rallying her strength, Emma managed to straighten up enough to look at Jack, the mischievous look once again in place, but shadowed by pain.

Jack sighed as the memory of Emma's screams echoed in his mind. "Not quite what you expected, huh?"

Emma shot him a pointed look. "I'm not wholly unprepared, Colonel. I've read most SG team reports. I knew that capture is always a possibility. Besides, I grew up with four brothers, pain and torture aren't new concepts to me."

Jack smirked. "That explains a lot." He eyed her critically. "He's trying to use you against me."

"Ya think?" Emma coughed. "Do me a favor Colonel…"

"Sure Doc."

Emma eyed Jack. "First, under the circumstances I think formalities are null and void. Call me Emma." She paused to catch her breath. "Second, how good of an actor are you?"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Emma's screams echoed throughout the room and down the hall before slowly dying out.

"I'm disappointed Colonel." Ba'al sneered. "You will really remain silent while I torture the woman?" He eyed Jack. "Perhaps I underestimated your sense of chivalry." He looked at Emma. "You are a weak race. She will die soon." Ba'al quickly turned and headed out of the room.

"Ba'al…" Emma croaked.

The Goa'uld turned around at the door, an expectant raise to his eyebrows.

"Doctor…" Jack warned.

Emma threw him an irritated look. "I'm trying to save our asses, Colonel."

"Shut up Doc."

Emma turned back toward Ba'al in defiance. "I'm curious Ba'al, how and why you stayed on Earth after Ra left."

"Doc…" Jack warned.

"You don't think Ra was the only one with a ship on Earth do you?" Ba'al smirked.

"I suppose not, but the pyramid is not a common theme in Mesopotamia." Emma answered.

Ba'al's smirk grew as he drew closer. "You know much of my time on Earth."

"Your name appears quite often in the texts of several different peoples and religions." Emma said.

Ba'al sat in his throne. "You have studied these texts?"

"Extensively."

"How did my worshipers fare after I left?"

"The texts do not indicate when you were last seen among your worshipers." Emma coughed.

"The last major event I recall is news reaching me that a god had delivered a people from the clutches of Egypt. Many Goa'uld still came to Earth for slaves and I assumed this was the case. Shortly after that I was summoned to a meeting of the System Lords. I did not return to Earth again." Ba'al explained.

"Perhaps that is good." Emma said. "Those people who were delivered from Egypt were called the Israelites. Their God not only delivered them their freedom but also helped them defeat most of Canaan. They had a turbulent history of defying their God for other gods and being punished for it before returning to their own God. One such time led to a showdown between your prophets and His."

"Oh really?" Ba'al seemed intrigued. "Do tell…"

Emma struggled to hide her smirk. "The people of Israel gathered on the top of a mountain where two altars were set up with wood and a sacrifice. 450 of your prophets gathered against one prophet of the Israelite God. Starting early in the morning your prophets prayed, chanted and danced around their altar, calling on you to light the sacrifice. Around midday the prophet began to call out suggestions…"

Emma noticed that the further she got in her story, the darker Ba'al's face became. It was all she could do not to smirk.

"…'You must shout louder.' He called. 'For surely he is a god!' And your prophets began to shout louder and cut themselves deeply with knives and swords. 'Perhaps he is daydreaming or is asleep and needs to be wakened.' And your prophets shouted still louder. 'Maybe he is away on a trip or is relieving himself'…"

"ENOUGH!" Ba'al roared. "You will pay for your insol…"

Ba'al never had a chance to finish his sentence as a streak of blue electricity surrounded him and he fell to the ground. Almost instantly Sam and Teal'c were across the room releasing Jack and Emma.

"It's about time!" Jack commented.

"Sorry Sir, we…"

"Save it Carter, we've gotta get Doc Higgins to the infirmary." Jack interrupted. "T, give her a hand would ya?"

Teal'c nodded once before gently picking Emma up and hurrying from the room.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Emma slowly became aware of her surroundings, voices, and pain. She winced sharply as the full force of the pain hit her.

"Doc!" Jack called after catching Emma's sharp intake of breath. "She's waking up…and in pain."

"Colonel…" Emma croaked.

"Yeah Em?" Jack asked as he leaned over.

"Quieter…" Emma groaned. "Or do I have to remind you that this is your fault?"

Jack smiled gently. "Right. Sorry."

A couple hours later, the pain meds had kicked in and all of SG1 was back from the debriefing and sitting around Emma's bed. Sam had just finished telling her how she and Teal'c escaped when Daniel interrupted.

"There's still something I don't get. I get that Ba'al was using Emma against Jack, that's why he was left alone. But I've never known Ba'al…or any Goa'uld for that matter…to stop torturing unless they get the information they want or the victim is dead or unconscious…yet in the debriefing Sam and Teal'c both said that the torturing seemed to have stopped for about 10 minutes and Emma was conscious when they rescued you."

"Is there a question in there Daniel?" Jack interrupted.

"Yeah. Why did Ba'al stop?"

Jack and Emma shared a look.

"Ba'al had to relieve himself." Jack deadpanned.

Jack and Emma's laughter could be heard down many corridors of the SGC.


	2. Epilogue

**A/N:**_ Okay, so this story was supposed to be a one shot…but this epilogue totally just popped into my head and I thought it was just too funny. Of course, I have a strange sense of humor, so no one else may find it funny…but too bad, because I do! Hope you enjoy._

**Epilogue:**

Two years later, after most of the System Lords had been defeated, Emma entered her office to see a small padded envelope sitting on her desk. Curious, she barely glanced at the DC return address before opening it and pulling out a DVD and brief note.

"_I couldn't help myself…"_

Turning on her laptop, Emma slid the DVD in and pressed play. The camera angle was bad and the camera itself wasn't steady, but Emma could make out a hall and several people walking. Suddenly the camera turned, facing a door and she heard what sounded like someone knocking.

"_Come in…"_

The door opened and Ba'al's face appeared on the screen. Now Emma was really curious. The SGC had just beamed a building into space because of a threat from Ba'al who was no living on Earth.

Ba'al reached for the camera and set it on his desk giving her a full view of his stomach. The sound of paper crumpling came through as thin objects (she assumed the paper that was being crumpled) passed before the camera lens.

"_Hey Bocce,"_ Ba'al seemed to be reading. _"Consider this a welcome to Earth present. Turn to page 292…"_

The camera angle changed as more paper rustled.

_Jack must have put the camera in the spine of a book._ Emma mused silently.

"…_and read verse 27."_ Ba'al continued to read Jack's instructions. _"About noontime Elijah began mocking them. 'You'll have to shout louder,' he scoffed, 'for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming, or is relieving himself…'"_

"O'NEILL!!!!!!" Ba'al yelled. Emma could only assume that Ba'al threw the bible as the camera flipped across the room before going black.

Daniel heard Emma's laughter down the hall and went to investigate. He entered to find her doubled over in laughter with tears streaming down her face.

"Emma?" Daniel ventured. "Are you okay?"

Emma nodded and motioned him over. Before hitting play she said, "Two words, Daniel: Mount Carmel."

Within hours, the entire base was laughing about Jack's "Carmel prank."


End file.
